Still Walking

Still Walking

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Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Beyond the Clinic

I wrote yesterday about my visit to the ALS Clinic at Thomas Jefferson Hospital in Philadelphia. It wasn't a very pleasant day last Friday, thunderstorm early and rain off and on throughout the day. In the way the perfect weather to sit in an examination room for three and a half hours being interrogated, poked and prodded.

But the clinic is a medical thing and happens only every three months. Given what I have it is about the best the medical profession can give me.

Yet most of my life is in a world beyond the clinic, what of that?

The photograph on the left is the world beyond the clinic. I snapped it through the window of the exam room. It is Walnut Street between 8th and 9th. It was a dreary day, as you can probably tell, so I got a lot of reflection from the glass in my photo. That is the world beyond the clinic, so lets reflect on my life in it now.

I have what is described as "an untreatable, incurable, progressive, ultimately fatal disease". That sounds quite scary, like a blurb for a horror movie. Yet, having a fatal disease is rather liberating. What do I have left to fear?  The untreatable and incurable parts are a blessing in a way. There is nothing the doctors can do for me, so I am spared the intrusive tests and never-ending visits to ology specials of all stripes. I am beyond the medical worlds lineup of tortures.

A Facebook Friend died the past Sunday. I forget when we began communicating, but it has been years
and ever since I first was introduced to her she has suffered from cancer. She was regularly and often traveling from her Elverson, Pennsylvania home to her own clinic in Lancaster County"s Dutch Country. Believe me, she went far more often that every three months. Here she would receive her chemo treatment, if her blood test showed she was able to take it that day.

That is Margo on the right and the image is typical of almost all she posted. The smile was constantly there. She had no cure, but she was treatable and thus she endured a lot of inconvenience and pain. Her words were ever upbeat or encouraging and she share many things she found humorous or the joys she had in her family.

I've been spared that kind of inconvenience because my thing is not only incurable, it is untreatable. I hope I can show a smile to the world and be an encouragement that life is worth the effort of living it as she was.


That is not to say my life is without inconveniences and complications. On the left is part of the clinic summary.

Besides suggested equipment, there is the advice about looking for help on preparing meals. At the clinic they have been urging I seek more and more help with doing things like chores.

I have been a total failure at this advice. I struggle all the time with the idea of asking anyone for help.  I have asked occasionally, but it is hard for me to do. I know I will get weaker and my body will fail me eventually, but I have no idea what I will do when such a thing happens.

It has already become embarrassing. I tried cutting out backyard a couple days ago because it is turning into a jungle, but I only managed one-half before I was too tired to continue. The Coke Carton pictured on the right was something I couldn't lift out of the cart to put on
the checkout belt.

Even on my morning walks the fatigue is setting in earlier. I do have to walk with my stick most of the time to keep myself upright. I can manage for short distances and don't use any aid about the house, but outside even the shorter jaunts are calling for my cane.

It is growing more difficult caring for myself. Putting on pants is a chore and socks are a real challenge. It is almost impossible for me to cut my nails. I can't reach my toes and as strange as it may sound, I don't always have the strength to close the clippers over a fingernail.

I have procrastinated on doing a Living Will and Power of Attorney because I hate the thought of burdening anyone with those chores.

My fears are these. Not dying, of course, I know where I am going. I fear ever being sent into one of those Nursing homes and I fear being helplessly alone.

Stephen Hawking was asked what was the worse for him in his condition. He answered, "The loneliness. People don't know how to talk to me." To be honest, I can feel a loneliness creeping in upon me. I seem to be slipping farther away from other people and with it all comes the feeling I am of less use anymore.

At least I can still type and talk, although as strange as it may sound, even these are fatiguing.





Monday, July 17, 2017

Clinic

It may seem longer since I last reported on my slippery slope called ALS. That is because usually I try to update my condition right around the beginning of each month; however, this month I had my 3-month clinic on the 14th, mid-month, so I waited to treat you to that. The picture on the left is what I stared at three and a half hours yesterday. So, no that is not me leaning against the wall. I haven't deteriorated that far yet, so if you are thinking of missing photos of my flesh, they are coming.


Friday was not a nice day, Thunderstorms early and late. I was fortunate not to have any rain
during my drive. It is hairy enough driving into Philadelphia from my place here in Delaware. My appointment was for 10:00 AM thus I missed the heavier rush hour madness going up I-95. But I didn't completely miss any drama.

Last times I traveled into the mouth of the city beast my directions took me off the interstate onto Callowhill Avenue where streets converged in a terrifying mishmash. I was almost hit a couple times in the merging last time (by jersey drivers, of course). But this time Google Maps gave me a simpler route, off of I-95 at exit 20, left onto Christopher Columbus Boulevard toward Penn's Landing, then left on Spruce to 9th Street, make a right and a couple of blocks north, bingo! Except...


Except I turned on an unmarked street that wasn't Spruce, which then deposited me back on I-95 and to make a long story short, I found myself lost in Center City and a lemming like migration of traffic.

Anyway, despite ricocheting around city hall, I made it to Clinic on time.

Clinic is like being captive to a parade. My doctor actually came out to greet me and chat while I was in the big waiting room. Doctor Goran Rakecivik (pictured left) is a caring, nice man from Eastern Europe. He is ranked among the top three neurologists in Philadelphia. I feel I'm in good hands. He took me to the registration, something you have to do every time even though the Hospital oughta have all my info in their computers

He then turned my over to a young nurse (I guess) who escorted me to my home for the day. There she
took my vitals (Blood pressure 134/78). Nobody is going to bother much and go to a lot of trouble if you're all ready dead. She also weighed me, 182 pounds. I dropped a little since last time despite my newly acquired Buddha Belly. I hate this thing. I had worked so hard to get rid of any excess fat and now my stomach casts a shadow over everything. (Okay, Martha, let's run because here comes the smut...with the naughty bits blurred out, of course.) This picture illustrates how my spare tire has inflated, but it also shows how ugly my limbs are becoming, bumpy, pitted and discolored.

She nurse now left me, so drumroll please, let the parade begin.

Let me explain the procedure. Over several hours I stay in this little room and various doctors, nurses and therapists come to me. They spend time questioning me and sometimes doing little tests. When one group (there are usually two at a time in the group, but sometimes three and on a couple occasion just a single visitor.

The first came as a trio, two Physical Therapists (both male) and one female named Gabs or Gabby. She was my Occupational Therapist.

As soon as the door was thrown open, one commented to the others
on my knees, how they had shrunk. Hard to see the ravages in these photos. The left leg shows the now deepening rut below my kneecap. You can see somewhat the indents where muscle has been lost in the picture on the right, mainly most obvious in my right thigh.
Also, a disturbing aspect is my psoriasis is becoming more prominent lately.

The Physical Therapists spend a good bit of time with me this time. They asked a lot of questions about how I am doing at home. How am I on using the stair? Can I get into and out of bed okay? Actually getting out has not been as much a problem as getting in. I can sit on the edge and pretty much push myself to a standing position. The difficulty is getting a good balance once up. I tend to wobble and stagger like a slightly inebriated sailor on a rough rolling ship. Somehow I do manage to stay upright and make it to the bathroom door where the doorknob holds my hand and steadies me. It is getting down to sleep at night that really jars me. I have trouble lowering me body these days. I usually end up tumbling somewhat forward so my head lands on the bed back and then I fall with a thud to a seated position. This is annoying, but routine now.

They then do some moving of my limbs about or asking me to push against their pressure. I have either grown much weaker (I have) or they got stronger. If this was arm wrestling,  I'd lose quickly each time. They watched me amble down the hallway and back to see my wobble. Finally one took out one of those little reflex hammers and beat me here and about.

The Occupational Therapist gave me a sticky thing to help with my grip. It feels yucky to hold, but it does seem to work. I was able to pull the inner seal off a new can of coffee this morning using it. She was also showing me pictures of raised toilet seats with handle bars. It was suggested, since I have a walker, that I get a tray that fits upon it so I can transport my cereal bowl from kitchen to living room without splashing the milk everywhere. I do make a lot of messes these days.

This is because my arms and hands are really going to skin and bone. My arm looks like the skinny head and neck of an ostrich. Yessir, my arms are caving in here and there.

The other day I glanced at my arm and I could see these thick vessels running up along the one side. My arm looked like those bodybuilder arms after they have been pumping iron where the veins stick out so plainly.

But I realized this wasn't any muscle power; these veins were popping out because they had no where to hide in my disappearing flesh.

It is an anatomy lesson to watch my hands. The bones are so visible you can see all the mechanics of
the parts working. Even the palms are starting to show the bones within now, especially on my left hand. Look to the center of the palm and you can see my finger bones. The hands are becoming rather deformed, which is part of the reason I keep making messes. Also they are growing so weak I must ask others to open bottles for me.

My breathing scores were Forced Vital Erect 52%. My supine or NIF is now -20. It was-30 something three months ago. This means my muscles of the diaphragm have weakened. The Respiratory Therapist wanted me using my respirator more to strength those muscles. I tend not to use it because I feel its sound disturbs my wife's sleep.

I get fatigued quicker. Any activity can wear me out, which includes writing this post. I have more saliva, but still no major drooling, and thank God I can still talk.


Not all is disappearing of me. I already mentioned the growing Buddha Belly, but I am getting a couple rows of fat on my back above the kidneys and my bottom is growing all wrinkled. I am turning into a spindly limbed barrel of a body. But my Dietician  still wants me to put on the fat in place of missing muscle. Her parting words on Friday were to go get a milk shake.

Which I did.